The Single Black Man by Uju O. Obianwu

Do black women look down on black men or vice versa?

I have never given the question much thought, honestly. For men, especially of color, they have to fulfill more qualifications than women. I tend to use Howard University as an example. One young man once exclaimed to me, “There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m going to find my wife at Howard with all of the beautiful women we have!” That sounds good and plenty as it is a true testament to the quality of H-U women. Yet, likewise, when I enter an unadulterated conversation amongst my sisters of the Mecca, a lesser percentage believes that they will find bae, as the young men in our parts “are for everybody!” With frequent phrases like this floating around, it is not uncommon for wholesome young men without an agenda to be overlooked.

I believe that women of color look down on men of color because at the end of the day, men of color are constantly fighting against the statistic that society has laid for them. Unfortunately, as it goes, humans tend to become what they fear the most, so in a sense, a cycle is perpetuated. When a woman cultivates her ideal man, the list tends to FAR surpass that of her potential suitor…

BAE CHECKLIST: __ AMBITIOUS __TALL __NIGERIAN __IGBO __FLUENT ENGLISH __CULTURED

                                    __EDUCATED    __SELF-SUFFICIENT __SUPPORTIVE __GENEROUS __ATHLETIC

                                    __CHEF CURRY WITH THE POT __FASHIONABLE __ADVENTUROUS __LICENSED 

                                                                                          ….TEN MINUTES LATER…

In other words, the list can be as long as a horse weave and 97% unattainable!

While we, as women, set our sites for at least [oa1] 45 out of 50 qualifications, with exception for nothing less, we tend to turn our expecting cheeks in the other direction of anyone that has not yet reached the required achievements, or is quite frankly, different!

This is what these men have to fight for. This is what they strive to do and who they desire to be: the ideal man, for us women with our fantasy “goals.” With all of these “relationship goals” and “bae goals” out here on Instagram and other social platforms, realistically, we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors; we don’t even know what it took for these seemingly perfect couples to get there!

The inner workings for what a gentleman does to prepare himself for the world, let alone a good woman, is so much more than what society and us females accredit. They’re exhausting their funds, achieving their expected degrees, landing their 6-figure jobs, all while fighting the stereotype of the single black man. Just think about that for a second.

With women, especially of color, I believe that we often have the mindset that we are the only societal minority under oppression within our generation, thus claiming the victim role. Just know that WE ARE NOT THE ONLY VICTIMS. We are victims as we victimize. Circumstantially, yes, some women are truly victimized, but it’s about time to give up the notion that women are perpetual victims of society. Because of this, we often don’t think about reversed roles:

Fulfilling the male ego, maintaining the “ideal” body, attaining the woman of their choice, while doing enough to flex on their friends, and still be the provider!

Personally, I am guilty of overlooking men’s emotions with the instilled notion that one is the same as the next. We often don’t give men, in general, the credit that they deserve.

I just want to let all you men out there know that I see you and I appreciate you! No matter how little or small, fighting a statistic isn’t easy, and we are flawed humans, by nature.

Neither of us have the right to look down upon each other. We need to strive to better ourselves, as people of color.

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 [oa1]Because you said at least 45 out of 50 you don’t need what I deleted (with exceptions for nothing less)